Mixed emotions as a parent when trying to communicate can exacerbate the situation, leaving you feeling guilty and exhausted.
Here is how to manage it.
You and I have lived the same story. You are in the shop with your child … Your child is on the floor. Screaming. Some people walk past and try to ignore you with a disgusted face, their annoyance almost tangible.
Others walk by with pitying or smug looks, or thanking God that they are childless! Others, catch your eye fleetingly, offering momentary support, a glimpse of empathy, as you feel a wild mix of emotions: internal rage (“Why does my child do this to me?!”), frustration and embarrassment (“Why does this happen to me? Why are you staring? I’m trying my best. Don’t judge me!”) external controls: a cool, controlled anger (“Stop this now!”).
And at no time I smile and I say, “Ooooh my poor little one you want this artificial Glitter-Pink Chocolate Bar, priced at £10, OoOh Yes, of course my lovely little spout!”
The temper tornado has hit. It’s at this point when you feel wholly impotent and as if everything is spiralling out of control. You want to sit down on the floor and cry with your child.
So, how do you navigate this situation? Firstly, it's important to stay present and focused on the situation at hand. Taking a few deep breaths and centering yourself can help you stay calm and centred. Try to remove your child from the situation to somewhere quiet and safe. This might be a quiet corner, or away from the environment that has sparked the tantrum.
Secondly, you need to accept your child's limitations: it's necessary to remember that your child's behaviour stems from an inability to communicate effectively and is not a reflection of your parenting skills. Accepting your child's limitations can help you let go of any guilt or frustration you may be feeling. Thirdly, observe your child: even if your child is non-communicative, they may still be able to communicate non-verbally. Pay attention to their body language, facial expressions, and other non-verbal cues to better understand their needs and feelings.
Lastly, try to explain in simple terms how your child is feeling and express empathy and understanding. Explain what you are both going to do next and for that, your child needs to take deep breaths and calm down. Allow yourselves time. Then, ask your child if they need a few more minutes, or if they are ready to continue with your previous activity in a calm manner. (The order of these options is important: your child is most likely to always choose the second proposition, therefore this needs to be your desired outcome.)
At the end of this tense experience you can congratulate yourself because you nailed it without being arrested! Remember to reward not only your child for positive behaviour, but yourself! Make time for self-care activities like exercise, hobbies, and socialising with friends and family. Taking care of your own needs can help you remain calm and emotionally resilient.
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